faith for real.

I am starting with a verse because I need one.

Matthew 17.14-20
¹⁴ When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. ¹⁵“Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. ¹⁶ I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”

   ¹⁷ “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” ¹⁸ Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.

 ¹⁹ Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”

 ²⁰ He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Amen, amen, amen.  I really have no need or desire cast out demons or move actual mountains. 

But I guess if you think about, I guess we do this every day.

Talking customers off the ledge of despair with their Cherry Veneer (wood) hutches instead of white they had in their head but did not communicate.  Evil despair cast out.

Making those same hutches reappear with white doors.  Mountain moved!

It sort of hollywood-esque to say, just believe and it will happen.  Honestly not sure that I am into mind control and moving mountains with your brain.  But what about Faith. Believing in the unseen and often impossible.  Mari prays for faith every time we have Bible study.  I always laugh and say, I think we will call you Faith. =)  

I think I have learned not have faith in anything, unless its written, data perfect information proving it.

Ask anyone who is bothered by me.  They will say, she asks a lot of questions.  And I do, I even hassle mari and malia when they state facts or give out info.  Nothing is to be believed.  Left at Connecticut, are you sure?? I dont think so.  

Yikes.  that is not how I really feel all the time, but its gotten to be a blanket reaction.

I rarely trust people and even more rarely trust people with me (you know the real me, inside guts, imperfections and faults exposed).

Big deep breath.  Another new habit.  I need the faith even as small as a mustard seed.  This dust size faith is not doing me justice.  First real practice of this faith, to believe that God has a plan worked out for me in Seattle.  

I feel confident about going and the timing of the June-ish.  But I just haven't seen the clear round green light of job on the dotted line. Place to live. Rent or Own.  

So nerdily enough, i am asking, praying and reciting my faith.

I have some in there somewhere.

new habit.  learn to trust and believe without fear.

Easter. . .

We had fun!

we walked to meet janet, mark and miss karen.  what a beautiful day!

home made fried chicken tenders and amazing real whip cream!

I am sped, but it actually works.  Rice Krispy eggs with whoppers in the middle.

blonde chicks

at the carwash today, a pretty little white mercedes pulled in front of me to go thru the best carwash ever.  flagship on connecticut.  seriously, the minute i saw the car, i started making judgement calls.  was actually wondering what a nice car like that was doing going thru the car was and not getting detailed by some swanky shop.

the driver was none other than yet another scrawny (by scrawny I mean, eat something dang it!), blonde lady in her late 30s.  perfectly matched work out outfit (yellow nikes, yellow tback top) and nice underarmor sweatshirt.  okay, i liked the sweatshirt.

but as i walked up behind her in line to pay my $16. she was so tiny and perfect, like a doll.  even a comb in the back of her stylish ponytail to keep the strays below in line.  hanging from her delicate elbow was a pretty blue yves saint laurent bag to carry her gym stuff.
so i am walking, judging, walking, judging and we get to the cash window.  she stops and takes her time.
super polite with the guy behind the window.  she says oops i forgot my coupon.  is this weather amazing?  how are you doing today?  all rather sincere too.  the heavy set mexican dude didn't seem that interested, but she was really trying to make conversation.
when she walked out to her car she took a few minutes talking with the scraggly looking older man that was wiping down the outside of her car.  it was like she really wanted to talk to someone.
i think she might be lonely?
then i felt so bad for be miss judgy.  dude, just because she has all that stuff and rocks a ysl bag for her gym stuff, doesn't make her happy or fulfilled.  the more i thought about it, the sadder i got.

why dont i look so perfectly put together?  money? not really, i am an awesome shopper and thrift stores treat me right with some amazing finds. honestly i dont end up that perfectly put together, because i dont have time.  i am always running to an event, to see mar and malia, or run a dog.  i always have somewhere to be.  which by my account is wealth.  i belong somewhere to someone.
this cute blonde lady didn't seem to belong anywhere and certainly felt lacking.  whatever her story, i got to stop judging the blonde chicks.  they just people too. =)

dear jesus,
will you find a way to bless the lady in front of me at the carwash today?
she needs something, not sure what, but she feels without.  she needs you for sure.
bless her richly with belonging and comfort in her heart.
amen.

ireland complete!

i guess i owe you something in writing.

i am very eeyore ish. . .=)  kind of ho hum, sort happy, sort of blue.  semi up, semi down.
how bout i break it down in terms of news.

good news first. . .
i got a new attorney to handle my financial situation.  he is awesome.  never wants to see how my day is or make sure i am doing alright.  he is all business.  a man after my own heart.  geez i love that. he follows up or has his assistant call me to make sure i have the details.  i have new court date and sadly/happily enough he cost exactly half of what the other guy cost.  shop around for attorneys people.  i should have!

if i can hang on to it, i will have a decent little savings pot of gold over the next few months.  miracle upon miracle, money seems to be coming towards me, not away from me.  wierd and a little hard to get used to, but i am beyond grateful.

i have another (hopefully final) interview on may 6 with a bright company i would be proud to be a part of.
there are plenty of things i am sure i will hate about it, but they can teach me a lot.  that i can respect for at least 2 years.  no laughing!!  i know you are.  i am growing up, i swear.

i am learning to pray when i am impatient, instead of just jumping off into freak out fest or lay into someone who wont know what the heck i am raging about. it is agony, but usually there is a reasonable conversation laying on the other side of the a couple days of praying out an issue that is poking my side.

bad news. . .
the gutter fell off the side of my townhouse and hit the neighbors deck.  the best part is my uber smart (and very wealthy and important, by her own account) landlord sent and email stating that it was too hard to find someone to fix it.  instead she offered us $25 to push the gutter (old school heavy piping, not the new light aluminum) away from the neighbors deck.  then she would it address it in june, when she comes to remodel our ancient townhouse.
ever since she came up with this delightful recipe for disaster, we have had heavy rain, wind and flooding.  every time the wind blows i hear the big fallen pipe rub against the tree its leaning on.  it sounds like a horror flick. really wouldnt care, but it will cause so much more damaged if it pushes that tall skinny tree over.
additionally, i have a bit of potomac in my back yard, since the water has no where else to go.
never knew how much i liked my gutters.

honestly, thats about it for bad news.  just seems we are all so in between.  malia sort of going to med school, but maybe becoming a researcher instead.  mari working and in between man friends (not enough drama.  usually this keeps us going for weeks!)  me moving-ish and finding a new job, while nursing the existing one.  lets get going, i say!



^{Isaiah 43
1} But now, this is what the LORD says— 
   he who created you, Jacob, 
   he who formed you, Israel: 
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
² When you pass through the waters, 
   I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers, 
   they will not sweep over you. 
When you walk through the fire, 
   you will not be burned; 
   the flames will not set you ablaze. 
Amen!

Me and Walter at his Thousand Words exhibition, last night at the Atlas Theater.  Super cool benefit for Breast cancer.  He did portraits with their own words of grief, strength, hope, and humor displayed.  Pretty cool.

new habits.

Man, I slept so much better last night.  I left my laptop on the table in the living room. Turned off the lights one at a time, until it was just dark on my way down the hall to my little bedroom.

For about 5 and 1/2 years I slept next to someone who could not go to sleep without the tv on.  I absolutely hated it.  Couldn't get to sleep for the life of me.
Finally got used to it and have until recently been a little dependent on stupid tv to go to sleep.
I usually wake up in the middle of the night to turn my laptop off.  Funny how old habits die hard, even if you never really liked the habit in the first place.

Well after a lovely weekend, mostly at home and on my own.  I slowly turned out lights, brushed my teeth, let the dogs out one last time, and climbed in bed in the dark with peace of mind.  By far the biggest luxury of this new life is how chilled out my brain gets at night.

Lights out. Close your eyes.  Lay still. Enjoy breathing with no sound or light to break your concentration on rest.  Maybe I will try one of those nerdy sleep (eye) masks tonight.  I like the dark. =)

oh!  Dude, it is about 80 degrees today.  We are running to the river and having a little impromptu bbq after work.  and by we, i guess i mean me and kelley and clyde.  mar has the flu and malia might not be down for the 6 mile round trip.  but we will see.=)

and a few more ireland pics. =) this is the day we went to the hugh lane gallery.  really, really enjoyed it.

quote of Sir Francis Bacon.  they had a ton of his works at Hugh Lane.  

francis bacons studio preserved. =)

garden of remembrance across the street from the gallery.  beautiful pool in the shape of a cross.

cool sculpture at right.  

cool people at center.

^{Isaiah 26.3-4
3} You will keep in perfect peace 
   those whose minds are steadfast, 
   because they trust in you. 
⁴ Trust in the LORD forever, 
   for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal. 

In Just a Little While

I al-freaking-most have a plan.  Almost have a job.  Almost have all the resources figured out.
Know what?  That is actually amazing.  Plan is easy.  Job is hard. Resources have been near impossible and all of the sudden they have started to pile up.  I am not exactly sponsoring a village in Africa yet, but I might have more than a hundred bucks in my savings account for a change.  Might have get CD or something.
Dear Lord!  This is too normal.  Maybe I need to find another wagon, white bread guy, and 2.5 kids and join the masses of SPU grads of 2001.  Or not! =)  I am so, so grateful a slight grade of downhill.  I can't tell you.  I got a little gusto left, but this downhill gives me a good blood sugar boost.

Funny how circumstances can turn good, bad, perfect, horrible and chill within such a short amount of time.  God take me thru it all and help me make the best in each situation.

For now, I will cautiously proceed and pray for a the last miracle.  A job.  Something I can't quite give myself right now.  Verse I am hanging onto this week.  Its in Hebrews.  You know, that book is a little severe.  Its actually Paul delivering news and a bit of education to the Hebrews on life in Christ.  They had lived a long time in serving God, but at such a distance.  This was a pretty big switch and I can imagine they were afraid of change.  Like me. =)

 Hebrews 10: 32-39
 ³² Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. ³³ Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. ³⁴ You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. ³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

 ³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ³⁷For,

   “In just a little while,
   he who is coming will come
   and will not delay.”^[f]

 ³⁸ And,

   “But my righteous^[g] one will live by faith.
   And I take no pleasure
   in the one who shrinks back.”^[h]

³⁹ But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.


Thank you Lord!

I promise to write more.  I need more therapy. =)

Here is a little teaser from Ireland:

me and b at the top of blarney castle.  which btw, was one of the coolest things we did. rick steves vehemently recommended you not go.  we did not listen. =)

B kissing the Blarney Stone with fervor.  There might have been some French in his kiss.  Then he asked for some alcohol for his lips.  haha!

Less French, more laughing.  The older man at right was making all kinds of cracks.  

ancient blarney castle built into the rock.  if you look close, there is a seam down the middle.