Fierce and Fragile. Can't I be both?

think i will start this story in the middle. too many details over the past year have made catching up impossible all at once. so here goes a tidbit. . .

landed in DC on January 16, 2010 for an entirely new life. new house on lamont st in mt. pleasant dc. new job at an IT non profit in Bethesda. new relationships with friends and myself. no wedding ring. new yard for kelley and clyde. new garage for my poor car that made here with not a single hitch. but does need an alignment and oil change like there is no tomorrow.

several people (costa, mari and malia!!) have recommended i see a counselor after one hello of a 2009. sorry to the psychiatric community, but i just cant do it. talking to a stranger about my disturbing life is in the top 5 of cant bear to dos. kind of hope writing to a private few will help me open up and let go of some of these strange events.

growin' up all over again. . .

this week i have realized i may not be laiden with baggage of hate and a jaded nature from a bad relationship. but my world is so utterly different. i am being faced daily with decisions i haven't had to make in a very long time. meeting more new people than i have met in years and trying to sort thru myself and how much of it i allow to surface to this new crew of consorts.

i realized i have an innate and serious nature of not wanting to disappoint the people i love and care about. going to points both unnecessary and possibly harmful to hide faults from people i admire. what the heck am i so afraid of? on the outside i show nothing but confidence and exuberance. these are real too. i do like myself. i am cool. cant help it.=)

but still ridiculous enough to be afraid of what the people close to me think.

dont have a solution for this. but praying about an open heart with the people in my sweet circle. i see some of my closest friends open up about things unbelievable and still find myself holding back. like i am supposed to be untouched after this life of 31 years.

come on!!! no one is left unscathed after being born into this world.

i know that. i do. just wish it didn't apply to me.

somehow i am going to learn how to balance my strength and my weakness. i have so many of both.