white jeans wednesday at home.

i am finally home.  hard part is its on 35th st in the burleith neighborhood in nw dc.  kind of long way to see my mom for lunch on wednesdays.  atleast for now, it doesn't feel far.  the benitez crew (+1 Flora) met in LA last week for tour a la disneyland and laguna beach.  was nice to feel like a family and i am so glad i have my own house on 35th st.
the weird part is i don't feel torn between two coasts or between family and living on my own.  i adore both and need both.  i love, love, love the west coast. the food is better. people dont throw a fit when you ask for something on the side. or order an espresso in italian terms.  and buttoned up seriousness is not an essential quality for bright, intelligent business.  jeans dont make you stupid.

here i am in white jeans looking over a bid for the Smithsonian. =)

for reasons unknown to me, though, i love, love where i am at.  sweaty, buggy, laced up, dressed out washington dc.  so today, i am wearing a little west coast action to remind where i am from.
gonna enjoy this place and time.  somehow i am not going lose my salt of the west in the process.

^{Matthew 5.13-16
13}"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

 ¹⁴"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

widows oil and disappointment

well, I am not a widow, but sure feels like it sometimes.  i ran across this passage while i was looking for a verse on hope some days back.  you know i might need to find some empty jars. . .

2Kings 4 - The Widows Oil

 ¹ The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the LORD. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves."

 ² Elisha replied to her, "How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?"
      "Your servant has nothing there at all," she said, "except a little oil."

 ³ Elisha said, "Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don't ask for just a few. ⁴ Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side."

 ⁵ She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. ⁶ When all the jars were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another one."
      But he replied, "There is not a jar left." Then the oil stopped flowing.

 ⁷ She went and told the man of God, and he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left."

I am quite sure I am a little bit foolish, but I am finished working 7 days a week.  This last weekend was my last sitting at the desk at Allegro.  Gave my final notice a few weeks ago.  I do need it for another couple weeks in July, but the very thorough (might I say legalistic) site manager at the apartment complex said I would absolutely have to work July 4 weekend.  Seems like we could have worked something out, but I can't commit to that little sleep.

My last day wasn't too terrible, except that I was so stressed and tired getting there.  Finally broke down over some hurt feelings with Mari and Malia at lunch after church.  You know baby children have a dramatically different perspective sometimes than the mama older sis.  Frankly their perspective felt self centered at the time.  I have a tendency to commit to time I do not have to spare, because I want to help and be there so bad.  Seems neither of the girls were interested in this philosophy and weren't all that thrilled that I had showed at all.  It would be better if I just said no, but I can't help it.  I do love them both so much. Want to give anything I have and lately that has not been on their terms.  It has been chaotic, late and all over the map.

if you asked me aside about trying to please people all of the time.  i would tell you that is nutty.  but in real life, i try.  disappointing the people i love hurts me way more than it hurts them.  i figured that out this weekend.  

i am fully willing to over commit my non existent spare time to please you in any way i can.  truthfully, it makes me happy to help my family and friends out.  almost feel left out if i can't help you when you need it.  

wow.  that was probably about $5000 worth of a breakthrough in therapy.  really? i will do almost anything to avoid disappointing you if it has been made clear there are some expectation or things that bother you?

am i really that silly?  dude, that is never gonna work out for the good. even the people i adore are wack sometimes.  

i am almost fully recovered from both 7 day work weeks and feeling the disappointment.  heading west to see my mom could not have come at a better time!!!  thank you lord.  pacific ocean and beloved parents in one fell swoop in about 36 hours.  repair complete.

advice for the single girl: part 2 polo shirts

goodness i bet there will be more than a trilogy of material on this topic!
i hate to break down and admit it, but i have been dating someone who i actually like.  admittance of like is usually a sure fire way to make a fool out of oneself, especially in the under 60 days category.  inevitably something silly will happen and this mr. will find a new friend that isn't me. but i am going be daring and say it for now.

no names of course, to protect the innocent and probably later guilty, but it is a he and this person is definitely different than anyone i have ever dated.  dont misunderstand i am not humming any familiar tunes!!!!  PA-LEASE.  i am just sorting thru new and different a bit.  how i can like someone who is so completely out of the normal box of typical merissa boy tricks.  and if in fact it is true i can have fun with someone who does not fit most of the logistical data (tall, dark, rugged, moderately successful, but definitely not over the top) generally set forth.  how will i ever really look for anyone to date? makes it kind of confusing to realize you may have been wrong about whats right. . .

here's the revealing and embarrassing part.  we met on match!  but you know if i had run into mr different in the real world at the grocery store i would have walked on by.  not because he is not darling and put together.  actually he is both, erring a little on the too much of both side.  usually i see this type of preppy kiddo and say "uh no."  must be self obsessed and drives a fancy car.  how humiliating.  i dont want to be a part of that belly laugh (ah, ha, ha) Georgetown crew.  so far all I have experienced is sincere chat, funny quirkiness, intent on joy and hard work.

so that made me think. .. does this misconception of one type of person affect my demeanor with said type? crap.  yeah it does.  i realized, although i am actually pretty familiar with this sort (private school kid, me too), somewhere along the line i got a bit jaded about the males that inhabit the sector.  really dont know where it happened, but i have definitely taken my little car and driven it in the opposite direction of any and all preppy, private school, nice car driving, polo shirt wearing dudes.

last night mari and me went to an opening party for dc digital week.  it was a wider variety than normal thanks to the cross section of technology businesses.  i noticed that i would look up and smile at a sort of rugged dude, but as a polo shirt passed i would look down or the other way.  so i tried something new.  as a polo shirt passed by i unabashedly smiled and looked.  he looked back and smiled too. huh?  then his whole little color tile crew looked too.  oops. that worked.  i didn't know i could do that. really?

so is my male response and relationship development completely defined by my literal outward actions?  thats nuts.  but you know what, i think its true.  unless a preppy dude came and got me and was fairly persistent, i wouldn't even give him the time of day.

the bigger thing here is that i really think of myself as a open minded sort.  i like all sorts and try to run with different sorts not to get to stuck in my tiny bubble.  seems my dating though is backed up into a tiny corner with no view of any other possibility.

discernment is one thing, but categorical denial is another.  open up your eyes and smile at someone you normally would just walk on by.  you might be really surprised with the response, or atleast break down a barrier you have put up for some unknown long ago reason.

not every polo shirt is a rude, beer drinking frat kid.  and not every tall, dark and rugged sort is nice and genuine of heart. who knew!?

last night at dc digital week party - long view gallery on 9th

got to love this pic!  we posed for this pic (preppy shirt-mari's coworker mark- in the middle!) and then wrote with a digital pen on the wall/pic.  we had way too much fun!

chaos and care, all in one bag

Has anyone noticed that Chaos and Care don't necessarily come at separate times?  What a pisser. I guess you could say that is a good thing.  I mean, when do you need the most care?  When you are in chaos.But really, can't it just be one or the other?While the volcano is exploding and landing lava all over my life and heart, i am supposed to recognizing the care and provisions that are helping me float in the lava without getting scorched and dead.Not trying to be bitter here. I guess dead is bad.  Just feel like I am rushing from one extreme to the next constantly.  My dream for life is to have the luxury of standing still and absorbing some of provision and straight up blessing that already exists.God, can you help me out with that?Realized just today that I actually need another month of working 7 days a week.  Honestly I dont think I could take it, but my budget spreadsheetsays otherwise.  Too bad I already gave notice!  frickin frack. So here's prayer B.  God can I please be done with severe stress and stretch over dollars and cents.  I promise to be a good steward.  You have provided an awesome job and it pays the bills.Just have to get over the little mountain of moving expenses.  I would really like to be able to help build someone else up in their finances.  Dont like being a drain.