pride

i might have been a shade uneasy about giving up my german status.  not because it has been a dear or lovely car.  it does look nice on the outside and drives like a dream.  at least when its not broken.  which does tend to happen about every other month to the tune about a $1000.  yep.  i said $1000.  month before last it was an alternator.  this month its a heater core.  just getting in the drivers seat makes my heart palpitate.  how many $$$ will appear on my dashboard this week?

so with a little convincing by dad and my attorney, i decided that a cheap old honda would do me better for more predictable expenses.

if you drive down 35th st, you notice something funny.  a lot of northern european cars parked on the street.  the various neighbors in my row have an audi, 2 volvos, saab, bmw, another bmw.  the exception is the student girl in the next english basement.  she drives a civic. =)  it was kind of nice when i moved in with my mom car, passat.  it fit in with the grown ups in the neighborhood.  i think i might have been a tinsy bit prideful.  after all the talk about not wanting to be a part of the obnoxious, nose up, gtown crew.  it was nice not to get stared at for a broke down old car.

now i had to go back to that.  really who freaking cares?  i dont, i swear.  but i want people to take me seriously an having a nice german car helps sometimes.  but, i am aware of easing financial pain and that definitely won out.  was just dreading looking like a kid again.

on saturday i found a 95 Accord.  it was very well cared for and only $2300!  so i knew i couldn't pass it up.  bought it and have faced a couple of oddities (weird tires and a busted wheel baring)  still much less than a single repair on my grown up vehicle.

as i parked in front of the house, i realized it was actually really cute.  and a joy to drive.  and it has a sunroof, decent little stereo.  ac and heat works.  no body damage and it has nice wheels.  i stopped and took a picture.  i was proud of my old honda accord.

how did i ever get talked into paying so much for a car and convinced that making that many repairs and payments was worth it!!!

so here is my new adult car.  more overall a grown up vehicle i'd say, than my fancy passat.
thank you Lord for helping me find a decent car to drive, even though i was a little prideful about the loss of my german title.

stranger at the bar.

came home from seattle with a bit of weight on my shoulders.  sadness had set over dc and my job.  but the dogs seemed happy for once in a couple years.  prayed about things and still fell apart.  had a teary conversation about the lack of a friend for 5 months and couldn't shake that little pain in my heart.  you know the one that just sits on top as a dull ache. every once in awhile it flashes a searing little switch across your chest.  after a couple days, you figure its a new part of getting old.  

its not like it sounds at all.  no one night stands or tequila included.  just a funny meeting at a perfect moment of need.   

yesterday i met hope for coffee at the 801 Eye building.  they have a cool bar with flat screen (CNN of course) and plug ins for your laptop.  i sat down and waited for hope right as another gentleman sat down with his laptop.  he was an alright looking, ladder 30's sort with married man's suit (you know what I mean nice, but not hot) and engraved gold wedding ring.  he had sort of a calm about him. dont ask me how i know, you could just feel it.

hope arrived and immediately we dove into the chaos that is our lives.  instantly i could feel my heart rate go up.  i was already a little sad, but would have rather talk about her stress than mine.  but she asked how i was, so i had to tell her.  i was hurt and little frustrated at the calm of one dear tall friend who was okay with not seeing me for 5 months.  how could that be if he really cares for me. . .

i could kind of see the gentleman across the way smirk just a bit as i exclaimed my frustration with what seemed to be a very confusing situation.  finally i stopped talking (was getting kind of worked up anyway) and looked his way.  he said,"do you want me to ignore what i am hearing or would like my opinion?".  i laughed.  not sure hope thought it was that funny, but i wanted to hear a grown up man's perspective on my frustration.  

first he said, you are frustrated with a man, right?  i said yes.  he said, then you need to get translation from a man, not a woman.  ok?  maybe, keep talking.  you are stranger, but lets hear it.  with a little more background (age, occupation, etc), he presented a perspective that actually made sense. he said, when a man finds someone he feels he has a future with, 5 months is nothing in the grand scheme of life.  this short time of preparation and working things out is a tiny drop in the bucket a very full life.  

when he said that, the pain in my heart just went away.  its sounds totally ridiculous.  honestly this sweet friend of mine could in fact just be a beautiful season in what will definitely be a great life regardless.  but his words of confidence helped me relax and trust.  that searing ache completely vanished.  what do i really have to fear anyway?  

when i left we shook hands and he told me to follow my heart.  what a funny thing for a stranger to say.  odd that i would let a person i do not know affect me so, but i dont think it was an accident that we sat down across from each other.  thanks late 30's married man, with the funny smirk and honest opinion.  and thank you god for letting me heart be confident and comfortable.

psalm 139 was our bible study last night. . .probably should have read that verse a little earlier in the day. . .
no fear or heart aches necessary when i have such a great care provider.  jesus.

O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me. ² You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 ³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
 ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.
 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

Miss Cora took this pic at Walter's Bo Concept show a couple weeks ago.  Can you tell they are related?  She is his niece.=)  Pretty good for 6 years old, right?

sweet and simple

"When the answer is simple, God is answering".  -Albert Einstein

when things are from god they are so inordinately put together.  i heard someone say once, its like you arrive to a feast and are able to just sit down and enjoy the party.  that is what god is preparing for you.  i struggle constantly with wanting to make things better and shape them for maximum productivity on my own.  when most of the time i need to just work hard, keep diligent and let god invite me to the right table to sit down.  so easy and so freaking hard at the same time!

guess there are some more details to this, but its just more whining.  i am so impatient.  god help me to be distracted by what is right in front of me, not 10 years ahead of me.

Philippians 4.6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God.

i am trying.

i really loved being in seattle, but it seems to have added a new layer of stretch.  i actually liked being in seattle.  i want to be there.  frick.  i am here.

praying for focus on the long list of goals i have for myself.  drive to accomplish in the face of discouragement.

cool and sunny fall day.  

monday

you know the day you wake up and you feel like you have been grinding your teeth to the gums.  that is today!  i dont want to work.  i dont want to walk dogs. i dont want to talk to anyone. i really did not want to remove myself from my bed, even though i went to bed early.  just want to get in my car and drive and keep driving until i hit the pacific ocean and jump in.
just have to make until 4.30am thursday.  i can do this.
so i have two bits of verbage for myself to remember.. .

first - let me get out the (dare i say) anger with a little verse from Psalm 109. . .

i'm always a little surprised by the vehement in this verse.  but right now, it is perfectly descriptive.  and since it is in fact included in Psalms, then i figure it is acceptable too.

 O God, whom I praise, 

       do not remain silent,

 ² for wicked and deceitful men

       have opened their mouths against me;

       they have spoken against me with lying tongues.

 ³ With words of hatred they surround me;

       they attack me without cause.

 ⁴ In return for my friendship they accuse me,

       but I am a man of prayer.

 ⁵ They repay me evil for good,

       and hatred for my friendship.

 ⁶ Appoint an evil man to oppose him;
       let an accuser stand at his right hand.

 ⁷ When he is tried, let him be found guilty,

       and may his prayers condemn him.

 ⁸ May his days be few;

       may another take his place of leadership.

 ⁹ May his children be fatherless

       and his wife a widow.

 ¹⁰ May his children be wandering beggars;

       may they be driven ^[d] from their ruined homes.

 ¹¹ May a creditor seize all he has;

       may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.

 ¹² May no one extend kindness to him

       or take pity on his fatherless children.

 ¹³ May his descendants be cut off,

       their names blotted out from the next generation.

Second: Abe is awesome.

"Gentlemen, why don't you laugh? With the fearful strain that is upon me night and day, if I did not laugh, I should die." ~ Abraham Lincoln

walter shoots for SOS fundraiser.  raised about $1500 for to support kids around the world in education and nutrition etc.

from the left: my co-hort in fashion anastasia, christy, an jennifer.  actually the three of us were just jumping into christy's shot to loosen her up for her photo shoot.  =)