all hope is lost. . .

just for work today anyway. haha!=)  I got to my LEED (Leadership and Energy in Environmental Design) class early with the intention of getting some long lost email responses out and preparing a brilliant enewsletter.
yah.  not happening.  instead, pawing thru my summer in dc photos on fb.  you know what? i had an awesome summer.  we adventured all over, swam, canoed, crashed parties, danced, ate awesome dinner, sat in the booth at china lights and talked way too loud (hence they usually like us to sit downstairs away from the other customers). ate tangy sweet enough to balance out our pro-biotic levels for the next year. enough that malia knows the guy behind the counter is a grad student and despite his cuteness has decided he isn't for her.

now that fall is officially here - poring rain and only a  measly 75 degrees - i am really hoping this season is just as  great.  know i am kind of shooting for the stars here, but seriously this is the way life should be.
now that i think about it, this is the way life used to be about 7 years ago.  did i mention that i was married for just about 6 years?  i didn't think my life was over when the whole thing fell out, but i didn't expect to be so much happier after things made there final play.  k.  not advertising for divorce.  just really didn't see all of this coming. not at all.  sometimes gods plan for me is just not at all what i thought, but i haven't been dissappointed yet.

the other day mari and i were discussing a gentlemen suitor (hers of course. there isn't a man in dc that would like come calling on that girl!) that had a kiddo.  she was bummed because she really liked him otherwise.  i told her at this age we might start running into that more and more.  its funny. honestly spent quite a bit of time wondering why i wasn't getting any results in the kiddo department as a married lady.  mari says, "because god loves you so much!".  she is right.  could have been a fluke, but i really dont think so.  somehow i was spared that portion of disaster and get a second chance with just a put back together me.  kind of unreal how He has cared for me and put the pieces back, even in better order.  time to be grateful and get going.

so for this next stage, i am going back to the starry eyed kid that believes anything is possible.  my goals remain, but the fervor to achieve is revived.  god help me to find the right fit professionally and locationally.

here is a secret for the road. . .in about a year i want to go back to the west coast.  it makes no sense professionally and i dont see how it can happen.  maybe there is something else up his sleeve, but that is what i dream for. =)

me and mari at jesse's surprise birthday party.

Psalm 91

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
       will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. ^[a]

 ² I will say ^[b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
       my God, in whom I trust."

 ³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
       and from the deadly pestilence.

 ⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
       and under his wings you will find refuge;
       his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

 ⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
       nor the arrow that flies by day,

 ⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
       nor the plague that destroys at midday.

 ⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
       ten thousand at your right hand,
       but it will not come near you.

 ⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
       and see the punishment of the wicked.

 ⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
       even the LORD, who is my refuge-

 ¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
       no disaster will come near your tent.

 ¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
       to guard you in all your ways;

 ¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
       so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

little bites

so i guess my problem isn't accomplishing things.  its doing it all at once.  after some much needed respite in my beloved bathroom stall at work, i have come to the realization that i might be trying to bite off too much of this charleston chew life i have.

here is what i need to get done before next week:

-file chapter 13, reorganizing my finances
-take a credit counseling session.  where they will ask a hundred times if i have any 401k's i can cash out or relatives i can borrow money from.  is that counseling or coercion?
-get signed paper work from a one marginally functional ex husband
-fix my car from the bumper hockey incident.  (now a big deal since state farm says it is two claims for two sides.  really?  valuable lessons they are teaching me.  geico is better.)
-get an oil change and maybe a new catalytic converter
-take kelley to the vet for some new allergy
-buy a vacuum.  dang it i freaking hate carpet.
-sleep enough not to get the bronchitis that is heading down my throat right now.
-have fun! =)

really its not that bad.  i am really blessed.  just have to take small bites and chew longer.  i find that so frustrating!!! my specialty is being wrapped up tight.  or as mari says (cause we both do it) have a death grip on my life and relationships.   is it so bad that i like to be in control?   i dont mind letting go if I have everything in my grasp sorted out. . .=)

dark hair for fall.  sort of nice to feel a little more hispanic. =)

P words

i will never be perfect and i will never be perfectly patient.
i have screwed up so many little things lately.  dont care too much unless it involves other people and usually it does.

the other day this very midwestern, middle aged couple asked for directions to 30th st.  pretty simple, considering we were on R st about 100 yds from corner of 30th.  or so i thought.  idiota sent them the opposite direction toward 29th.  but they would figure it out until they had walked about a 1/2mile.
man, i felt so bad.  got to keep my mouth shut when people ask questions about direction in this town.

when i made it to 30th in the other direction, i just prayed that they would have a special adventure cause i am so retarded.  maybe run into someone or something they would not have ordinarily seen.  you never know! it could happen.

surely wont fix all my errors, but i decided just to pray for the poor people that fall victim to my stupid brain ways.  at the very least they are getting extra prayers.

i guess i thought getting older would have the perk of screwing up less and relaxing more.  actually i just feel more strongly about it and have a harder time moving on.  yuck.

getting sick again, dang it.  this week is going to be hard and i need to have some patience, if only a tiny bit.  next week is the homestretch of a very sweet visit to the motherland.  pray i make it in one piece.

check out my wild animals.  mari managed to catch them mid stride at rock creek on saturday.  think it might have been our last summery day.  was great.  she and i managed to have a real saturday too. complete with costco, marshalls, random fast pasta with squash and dancing with Janet and company.  now that is a saturday!

sweet fury

maybe not a possible thing. but that is what I feel.
my boss is late for our meeting so I have a few minutes to write.
much overdue too, think i am about to burst. . .

job is actually great.  for now.  working with us courts, smithsonian, great architectural firms. learning more and more about technology, marketing and social media.  

on friday, i overheard my coworker talking about date night.  kind of made fun of him, because he literally got married about a month ago.  I said, "isn't every night date night?" =).  they dont have any kids. . .he says,"actually we both work all the time".  huh?  "do you have a really big house or something?".  "nope." he says.  "this job doesn't really pay the bills."  "Que?!" I say.  "dont worry, you have a year of goodness while they pay your salary, then it drops off and you dont have enough to live. . ."

trying not to act shocked or flip out. . .but all the way home on friday, I couldn't get it out of my head.
thought i did a better job researching this job than that?  the gentleman in question more than does his fair share of business (2 million+).  why would he need 2 jobs?
started thinking about it and my other coworkers dont seem that well off either.
in fact the only people in my company that seem to be making money are the two principals.
why did i not notice this before????
i am going to have to arrange a business to lunch to talk commission structure with my coworkers.
when i did the math, it seemed to work out, but i do believe my unfortunate workmates are struggling financially.
despite selling millions of dollars in projects.. .

so i think that might be the root of my current stress.  can't shake it.  thought i was making sacrifices for a big fat bonus at the end of the year, but at this rate, I will be shopping for another gig before my year is up.

really not what i was hoping for, but maybe god is trying to do something here. . .just dont know.  feel very frustrated.  super exhausted with making moves.  just want to make good decisions and land and work hard and be happy.  is that possible?

good news is, mom is here and i get to go to seattle soon.  dc is an awesome place to adventure.  finding new things all the time.

just. . .
yuck on flux.

pS.  saw a wrinkle cream ad the other day and made sure to remember the name. 

i need some of that!  aging. sad.  never knew smiling all the time could be such a liability. . .

see what i mean?  just dropping of a proposal pack to the us courts building.  located just to the left of the white house.  believe it or not, this was not out of the way.  actually never seen the white house this close.  plus its about 78 and perfect today.  =)

yes.

I have so much I want to write about, but no time this week!
All I can say is God is delivering me in so many ways.  I am so grateful.

Mom is here too!  Business is good.  Now if my lotto numbers would just pay off. . .
=)
More soon. . .

sunday school lessons on sunday.

its sunday and i am back behind the desk at the allegro.  really not too bad of a day, but sundays i always seem to feel a little sorry for myself.  dumb i know. but its when i miss my pacific people and some of the things in my old life.  like my cute house in shoreline, that most likely i will never live in again.  or my mom for lunch when are both supposed to be working.  dad for a wednesday run up cable line with nani in tow.  costa for an happy hour on the sofa with max in their living room in queen anne.  the little things that made life so great when things were so bad.
now those little things aren't as available, but on the whole, life is actually quite a bit better.
i dont live in doubt on whether i am loved anymore.  i know i am.
i dont worry about being alone all the time.  i just feel present.  honestly being "present" for your own life and understanding His love for you is about all you could ask for.  it is by far best gift ever.  all though i forget that about every other second.  just wanted leave myself a written reminder.
here is my little bible study for today. . .

jeremiah (29) wrote a letter to the exiles when they got kicked out of jerusalem and relegated to babylon.
funny how these little verses we repeat so often used to seem so trite.  the whole story is a lot more interesting.  he said don't wait to be fruitful and prosper.  he actually says to "increase in number.  do not decrease."  dont die.  keep carrying the torch! then when the time is right i will come and rescue you.

i am by no means in exile, but i do feel like i am in a little bit of a holding tank.  this passage makes a lot of sense to me these days.

⁴ This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: ⁵ "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce.⁶ Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. ⁷ Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." ⁸ Yes, this is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. ⁹ They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them," declares the LORD.

 ¹⁰ This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. ^[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

was looking for something on my facebook photo albums and realized how instantly life seemed to open up and start getting good right around january 2009, right when the walls were falling down around me.

odd how life works. Mobile Fun  DC Adventures  Summer in DC

God is good. God is great.  I have faith that he sees my future and has a beautiful plan for me wherever I am heading.

context: me at work just now. double fisting coffee cups after my second 6am wake up.  think i am supposed to be watching that security camera to the left. better jet!=)

5 day bliss

Last week I decided to get going on solving my financial woes.  I made an appointment with an attorney.  The appointment was for the following week though. in the mean time I really had know idea what I could do.  I have exhausted my creative solutions for this situation.  So I decided to take a little mental vacation.
Honestly it was fabulous.  I totally ignored the implications of the impending crisis and went out to chinese food, canoeing and had ice cream at ben & jerrys.  None of which cost that much. In fact I should probably keep doing these things, but the constant overarching theme of disaster was totally non present.  I figured, I had an appointment with an attorney and it was probably going to be pretty bad.  So for now, I shall live in one week of bliss.  Loved it.
Yesterday life came back into focus with an enlightening visit to Washington Square and one young and very casual attorney.  Almost walked out when he came to great me in shorts.  This is DC for goodness sake!  Might be 98degrees, but we are in 3 piece suites and ties, gosh darn it!  When we started talking, he did seem to know what he was doing, so I listened.
Basically the bottom line is if I go this route, I will be legally protected and probably forgiven some debt.  But I will have to give up literal rights to my money for up to 3 years.  If I go get a new car or lose my job.  I have to go back to court and file new paperwork etc.
The flip side is finding somewhere to live on the cheap for about 6 months.  And as Dad so frankly mentioned the dogs may be keeping me from finding that place.  Especially if it prevents a Chapter 13 filing.
I was near tears about 2 seconds after he said, just because I know he is right.
And 6 months of misery is so much better than 3 years and the courts ordering your money around.

After 2 years of just about everything around me falling apart, I have the opportunity to save a few bits of my little nest, but it means finding something drastic to do with my beloved pair.  I realize they are just dogs and not kids.  I am not totally off my rocker.  But are they only thing I have left to show for myself and I would be lost without them.  I could do 6 months of this, but who could I possibly trust to foster my dear doggies?
Dad and I prayed for something innovative to solve this crisis.  God, can you show me what to do?

Mari and I caught China Lights just before they closed last night and guess what my fortune said?
"Don't be hasty.  Prosperity will knock at your door soon."  You have got to be kidding.  Do need to be patient.  Giving myself about 4 weeks to sit tight.  When I get back from Seattle I will decide what direction to move.

Bliss is over, but resolution is beginning.  I am going to find a way to be grateful for that.
Psalm 118.24-25

⁴ This is the day the LORD has made;
       let us rejoice and be glad in it.

 ²⁵ O LORD, save us;
       O LORD, grant us success.

In the mean time!  I can't get this song out of my head.  Mom used to sing it to us when we were little.   Sort of funny that it is coming to me just now.