Guess what? I want to own a business, a digital one.

so don't hold me to it quite yet, but I want to own a merchant site online.  a shoe one. I think.
still want to go to law school too, but contemplating the wisdom of years of school and having to obey someone when i get out. . .

just a note of exploration that i thought should be chronicled for later research.

don't worry!  i won't be quitting any time soon.  there is a very nice looking gentlemen that works on the 3rd floor and i don't know his name yet.  so i will be here for at least little while. . .




picture is totally unrelated, but always nice to remember lovey dovey clyde moments.

I did it all by myself!

(picture is Doug, Me and Brad at Kalaloch Beach about 83')

Must have been around 1990.  We were at Yost Pool in Edmonds with Mom, Malia, Brad, Anna and me.  I miss that place.  Open air pool in the middle a park with huge Evergreen Trees all around.  Was always a little cold, but was like the secret happy place for the all the kids in the summer.  Used to dream about that place when I was little.
This particular day Mom had been brave enough to drag us all out to swim.  Think Malia was mostly a floater, not too much of a drowner at this point.  But Anna, who was about 3 was not yet a swimmer at all.  We all were assigned to watch out for her, especially since there wasn't much of a shallow end.
So Mom set Anna up on the edge of the pool for a moment while she turned around to make sure Malia wasn't sucking water.  When she turned back Anna Rose was completely absent.  Gone.  Don't know who spotted her first, but I remember seeing her, cross legged, sitting at the bottom of the pool.  I was appalled and yelled.  Mom grabbed her and pulled her back up and plopped her on the side.  Gasping like crazy, but full of energy, the tiny little red headed girl screeched.  "I did it! I did all by myself!!"  She wasn't scared at all.  She had fully intended to jump off the side and sit down right at the bottom of the pool.  Think I was about 12 and I remember being scared.  We couldn't believe it.  Fear never even came to her. She was determined and thankfully rescued.  It never hit her 3 year old mind that water was not a breathable substance for her. 
Even as we were leaving, I remember her saying "I did, I did it all by myself!"

I am jealous of the level of trust she had in all of us and her ability.  Obviously her line of thinking was a bit short sited, but at 3 years old she was fully confident in herself and the people around her.  So she dared. Being scrapped up from the bottom of the pool didn't bother her at all.  She wasn't ashamed or frightened in any way, just happy to have achieved her mission.  There were no tears, just smiles and fierce pride.
I want to feel failure less and see the pride and joy in my ridiculous ventures.  Yeah, mostly I will be getting yanked out from under the water, but God is amazing.  I should be fully confident in the dear people around me and my sweet Saviour Lord.  Less embarrassment of Failure. More Trust.


Thank you Miss Anna Rose Elene Nestor for such a poignant and perfect lesson.
Sure do love you dear sister, Anna Rose. 
merissa

By the way, I don't feel sad anymore.

I have bad days, get my feelings hurt, do dumb/embarrassing things.  . . but I don't feel bad constantly.  I feel more myself, than I have in about 7 years.  Praise God for continuing rescue and beautiful disaster of life.

think i might be a little contrary. no wait. I am not!

So for all of you laughing right now.  shut it! =)

Really don't mean to be opposite.  Actually I love to discuss options anytime, but when someone (por ejemplo mi hermana. . .) says it is not possible, or i cannot do it.  I fling myself to opposite side of the ring; gloves up and prepared to staunchly defend the possibility and my own ability to accomplish anything I want.  senseless or not.

Wondering why I don't just let some of this go?  Well I am learning to do that sometimes.  Certain people have a way engaging my edge with finite expertise.  Poor Malia, being one of them.  Really happy we decided not to live together right now.  okay, okay, okay.  This isn't all about Malia.  Several people I have met recently have brought this to the surface very quickly.  Instant response.

Don't mind being bossed or told what to do with confidence.  When I ask a question and the answer is "No"or "Not Possible". . .Prepare yourself.  You have just asked for a "discussion". 

I am sure this what my poor mom was thinking most of my childhood.  Bet she was happy when I finally turned 18.  Actually, the day I graduated high school my parents packed up and moved out of state. hmmmm. . .. .

Mom likes to remind me that she is not as willful as I see her.  That when I was born, I came with power punch of defiance that "forced" her to develop a strong constitution in order to prevent me from becoming a criminal at an early age.  Well I am not writing you from a 6x6.  That's good news.

Really don't think I am that bad.  Actually starting to feel pretty soft these days.  I care about people and how I affect them.  When it comes to me though, I do want to compete and win.  I am not playing for self esteem here.  I want the cash prize and a some props.   Ahh shoot.  What a rat. 

Guess this is multifaceted issue, especially as a moderately functioning adult.  I am rebellious.  Not ashamed.  Just came that way.  When someone says no that cannot be done, they have stared me straight in the eyes and issued a challenge that I shall conquer with full force.  Starting sound like 13 year old testosterone packed boy. . . Swear there are some good things about this.
I am super driven to achieve in the face of challenge. Almost complacent in the face of moderate circumstances.  Constantly seeking taxing situations.  That didn't sound right, but it is.

Don't think I do things simply because someone has challenged my abilities, but it does send me over the line.  Becomes a deciding factor.  That's not a great reason to do anything, let alone everything.

So you are sitting there wondering about my sanity and just plain ridiculous line of thinking.  Being challenged is one of the greatest parts of life for me.  In a good way of course.  Really prefer not to repeat some the challenges I am coming through now, but altogether I do thrive on a little bit of chaos.  Forces me to compete, think faster, work harder, be better.  Like a good work out for my mind and soul.



Its Friday and we are throwing surprise party for Jesse.  Will be fun.  You will see!
Think this blog is missing some stories.  So stories it is. .. til then.
m

Ranting and Raving. Wait. . .Sunshine?

I had this bitter rant planned to talk about being used and abused over the past few years.
Well, that may be true, but my dogs reminded this morning of how sweet life has also been. Right along side those horrible moments, blessings have continued to flow. . .

I was in the general and usual hurry of drinking coffee, feeding dogs, putting make up and getting out the door to work.  Kelley and Clyde had just finished eating.  In an effort to prepare them for a long day I told them I loved them and kissed them each on head before I opened up the back door to let them out one last time. 

They walked out and stood at the top of stairs looking at the alley with their tales up, side by side.  Kelley scootched over close and kissed Clyde intentionally right on the face.  It was about the cutest thing I have seen in a long while.  Anyone who says dogs dont have feelings, has never owned an animal.  That little girl snuggled up to her favorite dog buddy and told him she loved him.

Thank you Lord for the sweetest of moments in the most difficult of times.  You make yourself so continually evident.  I am so grateful.  Tears are coming and I am at work.  Got to stop writing.=)

advice for the single girl. . .

What an ugly word. . . Advice. No one wants any.

But I seem to be doling out more the older I get.

So let's dedicate this post to advice for a single girl, me.

You'll pardon me if I talk to myself in the next few paragraphs. . .

1. First things first. Yes you are getting older. But not old. Fear not when a 26

year old looks at you across the table with a crinkle in his nose because he just realized

you are over 30. Yeah, it happens. . .getting older I mean. Geez, even the 26 year old punk is getting older by the second. And I imagine, if he keeps drinking that way will definitely look older than you at 31. At least fatter anyway. Comforting thought. . . anywho!

Be Proud and UnAfraid. Date older dudes, not ancient, but put together - okay over 30.

2. Enjoy yourself and every single (no pun intended) moment. Don't let anyone rush you into finding the dude, having babies, or even running to the sperm bank when you turn 35 and think your biological clock batteries are almost dead. God does have you in mind. And frankly, everyone's life and history is not meant to be identical. How disgusting would it be if everyone did the same things on exactly the same timeline. I would at least like to pretend that we are not all meaningless androids with no course directions or individual thoughts. Maybe you will be old when you have babies. Maybe you will get a job in Russia and meet the perfect one at the totally wrong time and place. Somehow it will be so right.

3. Forgive yourself first. This one sounds weird to me, but I see it more clearly lately. So your screwed up. So not everyday is your shining moment. Seems like the older we get the less tolerance for errors we have. But in all actuality the errors seem to be bigger and more frequent. You are dealing with larger, more complex issues at work and at home. Its okay.

My Advice (cringe) is forgive yourself first. Its really hard to forgive the offended party for over reacting or even treat them with proper dignity when you can't get over how awful you are. Ask God to forgive you and pray for the victim of your idiocy, then read the Bible and remember how crazy most of the people God used in history were. Abraham and Sarah anyone? (Genesis 16)

4. Look Freaking Hot. This is not vanity! I tossed it around all the way home today. Wondering why when I take few extra minutes to put myself together and compile an outfit that is uniquely me - do I feel so much better? Obviously, you got to keep the pride in check. But I find myself relating better to the people around me, smiling more, accomplishing more over all.

Take time to put a little makeup on. Shave and put the Jasmine Honey lotion on. Spray a tinsy bit of Prada L'Orange on your collar bone. Stand in front of the closet for an extra 3 minutes; changing a couple outfits to see which one really works.

I promise this little trick will help most days that are on a sharp edge, round out really well.

good night! bed before 12am after a thoroughly amazing Restorative Yoga class. that cure for my creaking bones has got to happen more often! and i did it all by myself. =)

No Contemplating. Just Do It!

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. I just solved the world crisis that is my life. This is exactly what I do everytime. Decisive yes. Stupid? Ahhh. YES!

Thinking back on the decisions I have made (who to marry, moving, places to work, buying a house). . . Every single one of those decisions was made in a split second from shear instinct. Often, I will make the decision right at the time it is asked of me. I spend the rest of the time leading up to the answer sorting thru the to dos and how much this one is going to cost me.

All the way back to college, I can remember Costa calling me up one day and talking about studying abroad in Italy. I hung up the phone and called my dad and told him.
Said I have no idea how much or any of the details, but I would really like to go.
He said he would do everything he could to help. Was like a snowball from there. Went to the meeting. Found out costs were pretty moderate. Worked hard. Got help from Dad and went to Italy for 3 months. Costa, on the other hand, hung up the phone started contemplating the financial realities and time it took away from her major. It just didn't make sense and she decided not to pursue any further. Such a nice practical girl!


Its like a matchstick. I get an idea and instead of blowing it out with all the details of practicality, a bonfire comes alive and I watch it burn almost everytime. Do have a good head about right vs wrong and dont even desire most things that are silly. But things of interest and even moderate possibility are completely up for grabs.

Eventually I have talked myself and everyone around me into this new step in my life. Remarkably, I am terrible at talking anyone else into doing something for themselves. They just stand there with their hands clasped over their open mouths and gasp/giggle at me and my antics. That will never work. Just dont have time. No money. I mean really. . . .

This paradigm really needs to shift. I should be much harder to convince. For the people around me, much less persistance should avail. Not asking for too, too much. We are talking adventures, trip to Europe, coffee dates, moving to a foreign land, going to school etc. These are fun things people!

Starting to think all these ideas and moving about is wearing the people around me out. . .
Bonfires are cool, but most often there are only ashes left at the end.

Peace out week. Glad to see you go.

Standing Still

So the title might be a paradox for me. Can't remember the last time I stood still, let alone lived in one place for more than 3 years. Since about 2001, I have lived at 9 different addresses. 4 of those took place in the last 12 months. Really, what is wrong with me?

In 2009 I drove between Seattle and Phoenix atleast 3 times (both ways), Seattle and DC twice.

All of these trips were fun and most memorable, although several times quite lonely (as I did about 2/3 of them by myself-with Kelley and Clyde).

What am I trying to prove? Just seemed like (at the time) something needed to get done, so I did it.

I am trying to settle down. That I am running away is a definite possibility. Maybe. I don't know. Don't have time to think about whether or not I am escaping in each move. I am too tired.

Guess I am hoping for a reason to stay in each destination. Most recently work has taken me to the places most likely to succeed. For now that is DC. And! I kid you not I just got done applying for a great job in Boston. I am so not planning on moving, but that would be the 5th stop in less than a year. Crap and a half.

My goal in life for the next 2 years is to somehow formulate a decent life and stop wandering. The two can co-exist, even if never before for me!

I stayed home sick today from work (wicked sore throat) and it almost 4pm. Still haven't laid back down. That is next on the agenda. First I have to read my bible study!!