Pressing up, down, sideways and now FORWARD

Sort of funny how brief moments can be so defining.  Was sitting at my little table in the living room, working on Tuesday when I just felt prompted to stop letting things fall apart around me.  I have been running to chase and catch so many pieces that have fallen due to this insane life change that has been going on around me.

I keep thinking I can catch up and make it whole again, in particular my financial outlook.  For some reason I have been thinking I could make up for an entirely separate person in dollars and cents.  

So i called dad.  If anyone can delineate quickly the importance and severity of things he can.  Hence, i haven't talked much about finances with him to avoid the truth he may speak.  But these days, its all hanging out anyway, so what do i have to lose?

I basically told him, I need to do something to change my finances and get on a plan to be better for the future.  Things have been sliding further and further downhill and I can't seem to stop it.  One thing after another, just seems to keep popping up.  I am looking for another job or a cheaper apartment.  What the heck should I do?

We talked hard facts, using words like foreclosure and bankruptcy.  Holy crap I never thought this vocabulary would enter my world.  But they have.

Shocking part was his lack of surprise and frankly, lack of anger.  He seemed ready for this conversation and pretty at ease talking about attorneys, long term outcome, length of down time.

The part that reached me the most was first he said it really didn't matter if things did fall apart.  I would still be me.  You sure about that?? Second, he said yeah having more money, a cheaper apartment, and a second job would be helpful, but you don't have any of those things. And you are human.  

I guess he gave me permission to fail and still get back up and go again with the same integrity of me.

At first I was kind of mad.  Failing is not an option.  It just isnt.  But the more I thought about, I was super relieved.  You mean, I dont have to get a second job?  Think I slept a little better last night with that thought alone.

So the short term outcome is this:  an appointment with an attorney next week.  In the mean time I am hashing out ideas for a slightly less expensive apartment (in nice neighborhood! dont worry), possible sketchy programs to isolate and speed up debt loss, and just plain budgeting in a whole new way.

I mean geez, if I am going to lose it all, why not take a couple risks before I go down?

Although I am still not prepared to fail, I know that if I do, my heart will still beat and my dad will still love me.

I can live with that.  

Pressing on Toward the Goal

 ¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

what my bank accounts look like right now. . . thank you clyde for the visual demonstration.  i really never thought your pillow addiction would be so helpful.=)