uncharted territory

been sitting on this little entry for a little over a week, because it involves me admitting AGAIN how freaking fragile i am.  i don't know why, but apparently God is trying to make it clear how tender i am even when i dont want to be. . .

does it seem like i talk about crying a lot lately?  geez.  i really hate it.  up until about a year ago i spent quite a bit of time keeping my feelings to myself.  surrounded by best girlfriends these days, means we talk about feelings a lot.  i do like get things out and over with.  but things feel things so strongly.  sometimes its easier just to keep my insides to myself.  wonder if there will be a more balanced in between for me or i am just figuring out what passionate person i am and actually have been for my whole life. . .scared to ask.  did i just not know myself?

you know what else, i am not used to people asking me about myself and actually pausing and waiting for me to answer.  then ask questions and engage.  kind of makes me cringe.  realized i only talk to about 3 people on the earth with that much candid info.  stupid.  really, even questions about work or just anything about me, myself and i.  really not very good at talking about myself in real time.

all this sort of became clear last night on the phone with a dear friend.  he told me with joy about his job and a cool trip coming up.  then he turned conversation to me and asked how I was.  I talked for a few seconds and he never interrupted me.  okay, interrupt already!  i can't go on like this for much longer dude.  tell me some more about yourself, really.

guessing mari might disagree with me. i talk her leg off on a regular basis, but haven't figured out how to appropriate that info to a good friend that isn't mari or mom.  isn't that sort of what friends are for?  admittedly sort of exhausts me to even think about my goings on too much.  really, who cares about that crap. i want to hear about you.

then, there are other friends who wear polo shirts who ask questions, but dont really listen for the answer.  i find myself catching my breath and looking for a one or two word answer so as not to get hurt feelings by being left in the dust. mom says I need to mention this the offending party.  admittedly dont want to ask to be heard.  if you care, you will listen.  if you don't, you won't.

does that mean i am sensitive too?  that is not gonna work.  dont want to be one of those girls i hear about that shed tears at the drop of a hat.  i may have started wearing pink and dresses lately, but i like my mouthy, sort of hard arse persona. lets keep this on the down low. k?

 a little summer rain from last weekend. . .